you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
