Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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