i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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