Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my shit smells like andre
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
