i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
