I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
