i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
