So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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