sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
