fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
