When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He felt like a one man threesome
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
