She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
