I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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