Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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