Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
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