please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
