you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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