So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What happened to fro yo and sex?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
