I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
