I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
