Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
