there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've created a new STD.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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