we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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