Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
