Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
