Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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