Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
