I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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