xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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