If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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