my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
