now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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