Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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