haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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