Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
