The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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