I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
