I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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