my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
