one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's blow job season.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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