officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
