My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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