Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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