My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
