the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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