"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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