Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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