I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
