dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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