why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
