Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
