he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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